


consume my broken heart

by domo (aroceu)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Lowercase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-17
Updated: 2010-07-17
Packaged: 2017-10-28 08:38:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/domo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>donghae hides behind his sunglasses, because no one can see him crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	consume my broken heart

donghae smiles into the camera, and looks on with his covered eyes. beside him, siwon and kyuhyun are exchanging quiet banter while jongwoon and jungsu are in front of him, talking. the rest of the members stand there with smiles as well, but they are smiles different from donghae. donghae can feel the absence, and he knows that ten is not enough. it will never be enough. but it’s all they have.

“donghae, it’s a little dark to be wearing sunglasses in here. don’t you think?” siwon says to donghae suddenly.

donghae shakes his head and bows it down, and continues his fake smile and ignores his true tears.

.

after the interview donghae goes into his dorm and stands there, still in outfit and makeup and perfection. he stares at the floor like it’s done something wrong, and he wants to punch it. he wants to get rid of this feeling.

the walls seem to be closing in on him and donghae wants to fall, he wants to fall into their everlasting arms. he wants to end this. he doesn’t know how to cope, how to deal with these sorts of feelings, but he’s been dealing with it every day and he doesn’t know why he’s still alive, still relatively sane.

“donghae? siwon said that you were behaving strangely earlier?” says jungsu’s voice behind him suddenly. jungsu cocks his head to donghae. “do you want to take your glasses--”

but donghae just shakes his head and ignores his hyung, and he leaves, still hiding.

.

donghae dances and sings with the rest of them, and he knows how to make his voice steady when it’s his solo. and even if his voice is a little shaky, he can always lipsync-- the ELFs know that they lipsync enough anyways, because they’re always so out of energy when they dance that sometimes there’s not enough energy for words to come out.

his arms and legs and feet move as always, but they lack the passion they’ve always had. donghae thinks about one of their lead dancers, and he trips and stumbles a little. he wonders if anyone noticed-- he can see from the corner that hyukjae is looking at him worriedly-- but he ignores it and shrugs it off and continues to dance like nothing is wrong, and he grins into the crowd behind his shades.

when the concert is over, hyukjae walks to him. “are you okay, hae?” he asks donghae. “i saw what you did out there.”

“i’m fine,” donghae replies with his trademark smile (though not a smile like kibum’s) and he adjusts his glasses, and pretends he isn’t breaking inside.

.

donghae admires the way the world seems so lovely when he doesn’t think about anything, when he doesn’t think about people or his friends or his family. he admires the way the moon rises and the sun sets and how everything seems so perfect without the presence of others. but donghae knows that without people, he will always feel a little empty, and a little less broken.

“hyung, are you all right? do you want to take your sunglasses off? it’s a little hot in here,” kyuhyun says to donghae suddenly, breaking him out of his trance.

donghae attempts a smile and shakes his head, before returning to his imagination, to his fantasy land without kyuhyun or anybody else.

.

he finds himself crying late at night when jungsu is asleep, and since jungsu is a heavy sleeper, donghae can release all the tears he wants. he just cries into his blankets, cries with himself. and he feels so small, so lost, so alone, even though he is supposed to be at the high time of his life. but donghae gets too attached, and he hates it about himself, but he cannot change it, and he’s too attached to how perfect life was before, how perfect everyone was before until they started falling away.

he hears a knock at his door and donghae quickly adjusts himself and lays in his mattress, as if he has been asleep all along. a head pops into the room and donghae can see through the dark that it is shindong, who is peering to his mattress.

“donghae? are you all right? i thought i heard crying earlier,” he says to donghae.

donghae shakes his head and turns to face his pillow, the sunglasses pushing into his face.

.

ryeowook and donghae are together in ryeowook’s dorm because ryeowook asked for company and donghae can’t say no. they’re surfing the internet on a computer and rewatching old videos and rereading old articles. donghae feels a wave of nostalgia overcome him and he pushes the glasses up his nose a little further.

they come across a video of only13ers yelling for only 13 at one of their super shows, for only 13 and no henry and zhou mi when both henry and zhou mi are on stage with the rest of them. ryeowook chuckles something about ‘untrue fans’, but donghae stares at the video and his eyes glitter with disappointment. he lifts up a hand to wipe his face.

“hyung, are you crying?” ryeowook turns to face donghae, and when he sees that small beads of liquid are dripping from his eyes, he chuckles. “hyung, are you really crying over this?”

donghae doesn’t reply and turns his head in embarrassment, not looking at ryeowook. ryeowook chuckles and just looks back to the computer screen. donghae tries to seems as strong as his dongsaeng.

.

“hae?” a hand appears on a door, and a face looks around. “donghae-ah? are you all right?”

“i’m fine sungmin.” donghae doesn’t look up and continues staring at his bed. there’s a photo in his hand, of him and hankyung. the glass in front of his eyes clouds up as he continues staring, and his skin is moist.

“if you’re sad or anything, you can let me know,” soothes sungmin’s voice. “if you want to talk about anything, you can talk to me. i’m here for you, donghae.” he cranes his neck a little to look closer to him. “i’ll always be here.”

“i’m sure you will,” donghae replies, but he doesn’t turn around or say anything more. he hears sungmin’s footsteps walk away and leave, and he tries to pretend that sungmin’s words are true.

.

they’re on another variety show and donghae feels like it’s the umpteenth. he thinks about youngwoon and his loud confessions as he speaks about himself, and he has to bow his head down and pretend he’s coughing and shift his sunglasses so no one can see what is going on behind them.

heechul is standing next to him as this happens, and as they cut for break halfway through, he pulls donghae aside into the corner and remains with his constant expression, though his eyes are waving with concern. his face speaks of sarcasm and biting marks, but donghae knows behind them is a small shattered child. but less shattered than he is.

heechul says nothing but the hand on donghae’s arm speaks enough. donghae merely shakes his head and tries to run away from heechul’s worry, the same with everyone else. but as he leaves, he can hear heechul whisper, slightly, “i know how you feel.”

.

when he thinks he is alone, jongwoon catches him crying, finally, and jongwoon is immediately concerned. he goes to donghae and tries to comfort him, but donghae tries to persuade the older man that he has merely accidentally hurt himself though he knows on the inside he is hurting himself every day.

“please don’t be like this,” jongwoon tells donghae. “i mean, i know you’re sensitive and everything, but i don’t want to see you cry. no one wants to see you cry. all you do is cry. can’t you do something else? be happy once in a while. forget everything bad that’s happened and come join us. donghae, please don’t cry.”

“i won’t,” donghae tries to assure with a smile, like this is light and that jongwoon’s assumption is completely wrong. he picks up his sunglasses from beside him, and hides behind them once more.


End file.
